The Gay Drain

My life in Kolkata is starting to get a groove. As I continue to socialize in this city I cannot help but make observations which make me ponder things that have absolutely no meaning in life. The thought of the moment is what I have labeled "The Gay Drain."

Everyone and their mother-in-law has heard something about the dreaded "brain drain" in developing countries. Where scientist, artist, and miscellaneous intelligentsia flee from their home countries to more allegedly tolerant and supportive environments (which apparently means the U.S. or Canada - who knew!?). Anyway, after befriending a fabulous assortment queers, faggots, and sexual deviants of South Asian heritage in the U.S., I had made the (turns out wrong) assumption that their motherland would yield an ever greater treasure trove of incredible people to meet. Ugh! Was I wrong!!

If you have been following my pointless whines since the beginning, you have read of the diminished quality of the queer scene in Kolkata. Not to say that I have met EVERY homo in the city, but after 3 months here I feel that I have met a fairly representative sample.

Which brings me back to the topic of the Gay Drain, I am proposing that all the good fairies have escaped from here. And I bet you that this is not isolated to India. The benefit of living in DC is that you get to mingle with a very international crowd. But it also deceives you because you get to meet the cool, attractive, articulate specimens. Then when you go to their homeland all you find are the gay dregs! Eeww!

On a superficial level I must start with the fact that they are ugly! I know tons of hot gay Indians in the U.S. (most of them are my friends! - kisses guys, miss you!) where the bloody hell are the ones in the actual country! And don't get me started on their clothing, with an over-reliance on synthetics, pants tight enough to incite communal riots, and shoes so big and clunky that it would make Frankenstein jealous, you have to wonder how the fuck they ever get laid! And for god's sake can we do a little man-scaping, no one likes body hair long enough that it can be braided.

On a deeper level there are issues of self acceptance, priorities, and sense worth. Concepts of gender are all shot to hell when being gay in this country means either being a sissy queen or overtly butch. I have no issues with these two ends, except when they are the only options you are given. No space for variance. I have been labeled the ice queen by the local chain smoking, alcoholic, sex-starved gay cohort because 1) I refuse to sleep with their skanky incestuous asses and 2) I have better things to do with my time and money than hang at the only local gay dive. Puh-leeze, it's not my fault that I am comfortable with who I am and have no need to pickle my liver in order to be ok with making out with a guy. Then there is the other side, where you have the über-queer activist. Which don't get me wrong are totally needed. But again, do we need to continue to perpetuate the gender stereotypes.

So, in all I have come to the conclusion that all the good pansies have left. Moved on to bigger, more colorful pastures where they can let their hair down and their mascara wont run. The problem is there is no one left in the country to gay-it forward. For Mary's sake they don't even know how to make a good martini here!

I send this message out to all my brethren out there that have enough since to color co-ordinate before they get out of the house. That know that we do not wear corduroys in summer. That are aware thathorizontall stripes make you look fat and that your belt and shoes should be the same color. I ask you to try to help your fellow country man. When you come back home bringmoisturizerr and hair wax (what the fuck is hair oil anyway!?), teach them that we do not wear polka-dotted shirts with striped pants. That we do not mix fabrics. That we actually should have TWO eye-brows. And that there is more to being gay than cosmos and getting laid. That it is possible for two men and two women to find long-lasting love. That a same-sex couple can form a happy home and be a family. That being gay does not mean being sterile. Let them know that in a gay relationship there is no such thing as one person being the man and the other the woman. Teach them that monogamy may be against human nature, but it IS the most precious gift you can give your partner.

And just to clarify, I did not contribute to the gay drain of Puerto Rico since we are the U.S.'s bitch (colony, commonwealth, territory, whatever they are calling us these days), I fall under their umbrella.